Author Topic: R.I.P.  (Read 7663 times)

moosejaw

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R.I.P.
« on: July 13, 2003, 06:14:49 PM »
I wanted to write all of you and let you know about my Mom's results with her electrolysis experiment.  I know she visits this forum, and I thought you might want to know.  Well, the results were mixed.  Things started out fine....she got a large bucket, cut a coffee can and flattened it out.  She filled the bucket with water, put the in washing soda, put the muffin pan on one side and leaned it up against the wall. She then put the coffee can on the other wall.  Now this is where the trouble starts.  She wrote in some notes, which lead to attach to which piece.  Now her notes said to attach the red lead to the coffee can, and the black lead to the muffin pan.  Then she scribbled below it "Bagsy says to clip black to coffee can, and red to muffin pan."  Well,  that must have been it.  Now I was in the kitchen with my teenage friends, and when my mom went to flip the switch on her 10 amp battery charger, we went tearing out of the kitchen....then we heard the thump.  So we gingerly slinked back into the kitchen.  Yep, there she was.....flat on the floor.  One hand holding a mint julep, the other hand holding her newly purchased Wagner tall base waffle iron.  We were a bit perplexed what to do, so decided to call the Cops.  Cops came over, and said they had never seen anything like it.  A woman cleaning her cast iron by electrolysis!  They were pretty impressed!  They figured out what the problem was, and turned off the battery charger and switched the leads.  Boy, you should have seen the bubbles then.  The bad news was, my mom was the first fatality they knew of from electrolysis.  So they called the coroner.  He checked her over, and confirmed the cause of death.  Yep, death by electrolysis cleaning of cast iron pans.........faulty information received.  Now the coroner was pretty impressed by the whole process, and asked the cops if he could copy down the information off my Mom's notes.  The cop said that would be fine, but to make sure he copied my Mom's info, and not this Bagsy's info....you know, wrong leads and all.  After that was done, he hauled my Mom away.  The cops took the notes into evidence, and they are looking for this Bagsy guy.  I showed them the WAGS forum, and that should give them some good "leads."  (No pun intended.)  It looks like this Bagsy changed the info on his post, though.  May take some detective work.  

Now we had to decide what to do with Mom.  The sad part is, about two hours after they took her, the Wagner Drip Drop Baster, with straight writing, arrived by Fed Ex.  She never got to see it (sniffle, sniffle).   An idea popped into my head.  Why not put Mom's ashes into her Wagner Drip Drop Baster????  Even though she couldn't see it, she could at least be with it.  After much thought, I decided it would be foolish to waste a good piece of cast iron.  Besides, I could really see the bubbles coming up off that muffin tin, and the crude forming on the top.  I could just imagine what this electrolysis could do for this baster.  Then, I came up with a suitable solution.  She had been saving some coffee cans to use in the electrolysis process.  So I figured that would be a suitable container for her ashes.  

Now we are setting up a memorial fund for my Mom.  She thought her 10 Amp battery charger, was a bit wimpy, and we thought we would purchase a 40 Amp one for her as a memorial.   So if you are interested in contributing, let me know.  The muffin pan is coming along nicely, but it looks like a four day job with this 10 amp charger.  Mom would be so pleased if she knew it could be done in a day with a 40 amp charger.  

My Mom had a good life.....she loved to camp (by herself), she loved to canoe (by herself), she loved to quilt and weave and she hated to cook.  We will take her ashes out to her beloved woods, and plant them in the ground.  I will take her Wagner two burner griddle, scratch her name and appropriate dates into it, and stick it upright into the ground for her headstone.  Then again, it really is a nice griddle.  Anyone ever seen headstones made from coffee cans??????

Rest in Peace, Mom.

Marty's Son

P.S.  She mentioned something to me about getting a secret handshake and 4 incantations if this electrolysis works.  Anyone know anything about this?????

Baggsy

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Re: R.I.P.
« Reply #1 on: July 13, 2003, 07:27:48 PM »
Heh-woe?   They came and took my daddy away today, the copths.  Dey took him to town and put him in a big house with hebby doors like my crib.  He was willy mad and kept shouting at the guys with the pretty shirts.  He gabe me a note and tole me to come out here and get him some hepp.  Mom came home and started dancing and singing a song called "I'M FREE", and is smiling alot like when she has too many barley thodas.  She took all of daddy's hunting and fishing cloths out and put them on fire.  Then the copths came back and HELPED her.  I'm willy sad 'cause daddy made me laugh when I hepped him tie his shoos and stuff.  He tole Mom he might only get ten to fibteen yeers if they find him en same...or the could throw away some big book at him and make him dead with the ELECTROLYSIS CHAIR...

So peese send money if you can, Momma sez well send you all his old stuff if you want.  

Lyndsy Baggs      

moosejaw

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Re: R.I.P.
« Reply #2 on: July 13, 2003, 11:10:46 PM »
Dear Lyndsy,

Gee, I feel badly that your Dad could get the electrolysis chair.  I don't think it is too painful.  My Mom didn't yell at all.  Just hit the floor like a sack of potatoes.  

I have an idea.  Why don't you tell your Mom to send me ALL of your Dad's cast iron (and his battery charger, providing it is more that 10 amps), and I will try to convince the cops that my Mom died of natural causes.  I really don't want any of his smelly old clothes.  My Mom always wanted to learn to fly fish, so if you have any of those fly fishing rods, send those along too.  I would learn to fly fish in memory of my Mom.  She really liked the movie "A River Runs Through It."  And if you send me the secret handshake and 4 incantations, I think it would help me be more convincing with the cops.  Did your Dad ever share that with you?????

I understand how your Mom feels.  My Dad is already setting up for a garage sale.  We have been lugging up from the basement, plastic tub after plastic tub of my Mom's quilting fabric, and boxes of weaving material.  I think she has enough fabric to open a store.  We thought about taking a couple tubs of her fabric, and just wrapping her up like a mummy.  I really don't have any money to send you, but if your Dad gets the electrolysis chair, I could send you a bunch of my Mom's fabric, and you could just wrap him up like a mummy too.  At least that would save your Mom some $$$$$.

Marty's son

Offline Greg Stahl

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Re: R.I.P.
« Reply #3 on: July 14, 2003, 04:58:23 AM »
Best thread  [smiley=angel.gif] on the site!!
"NO MORE MISTER NICE GUY!!" Alice Cooper.

Troy_Hockensmith

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Re: R.I.P.
« Reply #4 on: July 14, 2003, 08:09:20 AM »
I want to know how the pan turned out.

Baggsy

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Re: R.I.P.
« Reply #5 on: July 14, 2003, 10:52:55 AM »
Well, I'm back FINALLY!!!  You cannot believe the things I have seen!  A buncha police show up with a SWAT team, slam me to the ground, cuff me and stuff me, and take me to the slammer.  Only thing they'll tell me is "You in a heap a trouble now Boy!".  Now I've got alot of patience but I loose 'em after the fourth body cavity search!  I put up a pretty good tussle but they finally manage to subdue me with an elephant tranquilizer shot out of a bazooka.  Made me kind of woozy...

The Federalee's show up and I finally get the jist of the story where some gal back in Illinois was found dead laying by a battery charger?  I never even been to Illinois.  Then the FBI/CIA shows up and asks me if I've ever been a subversive or leaned any way toward the communist party?  I told 'em I was busy that night and couldn't go to that party and I heard their beer was flat.  Then I had to get rough with them again but some big guy clonked me on the head with a big fancy salmon priest he had.  I blacked out...

When I woke up, I was surrounded by a bunch of guys that kind of had a rough look to 'em.  I had fancy one piece orange coveralls on and two nice pieces of stainless chain hooked to my hands and feet.  The big guy, Rocky, started asking me alot of questions but my head was still kind of smoky and I couldn't hear right cause of the blood coming out my left ear.  I finally started coming out of it, and the 'guys' were all interested in how I was doing...great bunch of guys!

A guy named Guido kept asking me how I'd done it?  "Done WHAT?" I asked?  "Well, How you snuffed some guys cast iron collecting wife from 1200 miles away?" he said.  He told me how I was the talk of cell block D and I was gonna fit right in with the crew in there.  I also found out I had been moved to a maximum security facility in the guts of Norad in Cheyenne Mountain!  Well that's real close to Spinney Reservoir and I knew the cutthroats would be hitting damsel flys so I HAD to get out of there pronto.  Details were sketchy, but Frankie and Chuck Manson said they were trying to tie the lady's husband to me and figure out how much he paid me and which swiss bank account he had sent the money to.   I was feeling a little better by then, and I had figured out it was Marty and she had hooked the leads on her soup up backwards.  I told the guys what had happened and they stood with a ghastly look of awe on their faces.  They said I was Brilliant, but since I had pulled it off for free they said I needed to raise my price some!

It took a lot of fineggeling but I did some wild horse trading with stuff I didn't have for Billy Ray's one phone call that he hadn't used yet.  Rat-Face had a list of every coroner in the Chicago area and we finally figured out which one must have poor old Marty.  Then we did some serious brainstorming about what had happened.  Now, all of these guys seemed to know their guns pretty well, but none of them knew squat about electro-soup.  But they were willing to learn!  Two of 'em scratched notes on the sandstone wall with Gino's false teeth, but it was hard to read no more light than we had.  Then I came up with a solution.  She wasn't dead, just shorted out a little and just needed a little jump to get her going again!  I got a guard with a BAR and 10 hand grenades to let me use the phone and called the coroner...

It took a minute but once I convinced him I was the guy who off'd "ole Mad Marty" as he put it, he warmed right up to me.  He said she hadn't been pickled yet and said the shock hadn't burned all her hair off.  I asked him if he had a battery charger and some washing soda, but he didn't so we had to make do with a 200 amp welder and some Tide Detergent he had.  She was still on the slab so I told him we just had to reverse what she had done.  Since the right way is to put the piece in the solution, I had him pour half a cup of Tide in her mouth with a two cup chaser of water.  Then I wasn't sure how to hook the leads up...We tried the Positive on her nose and the negative on her little toe.  He tried that but it just made some of the tide bubble out of her mouth, but it was kinda green and smelled like mint he said!  I knew we almost had it.  I had him reverse the leads and turn it on again.  He said it made her 'Humm' a little but no reaction.  I thought about it a minute and figured we didn't have a good connection to the Tide...so we put that lead on her tongue and gave it one more try.  She fired right up that time.  Her eyes flew open and she started trying to speak!  He unhooked her tongue and she was raspy but was saying something about "MORE JULEP...MORE JULEP".  He said it was a miracle, but I know he'd just never seen good electrolysis at work.  He said he had to get her to a hospital quick to see if she was gonna pull thru and he'd call back.  I told him I was gonna be away from 'that' phone for awhile and I'd call him back after fishing...

It wasn't long after I was back in with my friends that a whole bunch of guards and loop-hole lawyers came in and asked me a whole bunch more questions.  Well, is wasn't too long and I was on my way home in a fancy jet with at least 10 stodgy looking guys with sunglasses and brooks brothers suits on.  They were awful quiet the whole way.  When I got home, my wife fainted she was so glad to see me!  We'd had a freak accident though and all my good clothes had somehow ended up in the burn barrell and caught on fire!  I did manage to dig out a good pair of Carharts and a flannel shirt that only had a couple holes in it.  And bless my wife's heart, she had almost all of my 'stuff' piled in the loader of the big tractor just ready to dump in a big box and send it to me in jail!!!  What a Woman!

I called the coroner back as soon as I got in, and he was a little miffed.  He said he got 'Mad Marty' loaded up in the hearse alright, but she was already giving him orders and hollering at him.  He started out for the hospital, but she made him stop at two flea markets and a garage sale on the way.  Then he said he lost track of her at the garage sale when he got busy checking out an old set of Craftsman sockets in a Kennedy tool box!  He thought maybe she'd relapsed, but he found her inside with the family's daughter logged onto ebay to see what had come up since she'd 'Left'...

He gave up completely when she bummed $40 from him so he went home.  He figured she'd find her way home eventually, cause how far can $40 get you nowadays.  Then I saw where she'd posted a question on the ebay board here so I figured she must be mending alright.  But she still hasn't thanked me...

Now I just have to make up a Care package for my friends in the mountain and put them on my X-mas card list and I should be thru this ordeal.  Anybody have any experience baking a cutting torch inside a Bundt pan...              

Thomas_Callaway

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Re: R.I.P.
« Reply #6 on: July 14, 2003, 12:17:32 PM »
Hmmm... I think I'm gonna give up on hooking the Tesla coil to the soup bucket.

TC
« Last Edit: July 14, 2003, 12:18:08 PM by Thomas_Callaway »

moosejaw

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Back from the dead!!!!!!
« Reply #7 on: July 16, 2003, 12:54:26 AM »
HOLY COW, have I had a wild past couple days.  Now I am a bit woozy still, after being dropped off by the coroner.  Good thing that electrolysis wore off!!!!!!  Coroner said he had never seen anything like it.  Almost like a resurrection!  Said he had a little advice from a guy in the big house.  I guess he is a religious coroner and must be pals with the Cardinal who lives in a big house not too far from his office.  I thanked him for his prayers, and told him they obviously worked.  Took me to a couple yard sales on the way home.  Nice man.  

I get home and open up the garage door, and there is all my quilt fabric, hundreds and hundreds of yards, stack neatly on several tables.  Along with my quilt fabric, all my weaving stuff is out there too.  I asked my son what was going on.  He said, "Dad decided it was a good time for a garage sale."  Mind you, nothing of his was there.  I then asked him where his Dad was.  He told me that my husband had run off to Mexico with the 22 year blonde two blocks down, after the insurance guy dropped off a check.  I then asked him if this was before or after the coroner called and told him I was alive.  "Well," he replied, " both.  He made the plans before the coroner called, and after the coroner called, he was packed and out of here in 10 minutes."  

My boy and I spent the rest of the day hauling all my stuff down into the basement.  Tomorrow we will haul all of his father's stuff out to the garage, and proceed with the garage sale.  I then made a nice "celebration supper" for my son and me, with a nice ham baked in the Wagner Drip Drop Baster with straight writing that just came in the mail.  I got out my big two burner Wagner griddle to make potato pancakes on, and saw the strangest thing.....my name was scratched into it.  I guess my husband just wanted everyone to know that his wife was the proud owner of a two burner Wagner griddle.  Before my boy and I ate our celebration dinner, I gave thanks to the Good Lord for three things: the old dodger is gone,  I'm getting rid of all his junk, and this lady in Wyoming is sending me all this wonderful cast iron.  WHOEEEEE!!!!  Can't wait!!!!!  She said she had it piled up in the loader, and just then her husband comes strolling home.  So she waited until he went to bed, and got it all packed up and shipped it off to me.  I guess she is throwing in a few fly fishing rods too.  Always wanted to learn to do that.  A river runs through our area, so I will look pretty smart down at that river catching catfish with my new fly fishing rods.  I am hoping Brad Pitt will come and teach me, after I send him the newspaper article about all my trials and tribulations.  If he will come and teach me to fly fish, I will teach him a few things.....especially since the old dodger is gone now.  

You see, my son was corresponding with the little kid of this old coot  that tried to fry me.  He told the kid that if his Mom would send all the cast iron, fly fishing rods, and a 40 amp battery charger,  that he would tell the cops I died of natural causes.  I guess she offered the shotguns, be he didn't want those.  Well, I do.  I want to give my husband a proper welcome when he returns. I checked my e-mail later today, and there was this really nice message from this lady in Wyoming.  I will just copy and paste it in the next post for all to read.

Mrs. Baggsy

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The Scoundrel
« Reply #8 on: July 16, 2003, 01:10:37 AM »
Dear Marty,

I am so sorry about all the troubles my husband has caused you.  Well, you are not the first one, let me tell you.  He does this to all the cast iron Newbies on the Wags forum.  This is his little game to get their cast iron.  Here is how the scam goes.  They usually end up asking how to clean their cast iron.  Then Mr. Friendly gives them the complete setup for electrolysis, except he has them switch the leads, as you found out.  He acts all friendly, gets them to tell them a bit about themselves, such as where they live.  He has a little map set up and sticks markers in it.  Well, after they don't post for a few days, he starts checking online in their local paper for the obituaries.  Bingo.  Then he sends the family a nice letter and tells them he was a good friend of the deceased, and that they shared the hobby of collecting Griswold and Wagner.  He then says he would like to purchase (at significantly reduced prices) all of their loved one's cast iron, only as a memorial.  Usually the family falls for it.  Don't those people at Wags ever wonder, why Newbies will come on and act all enthusiastic, and post all kinds of questions, then suddenly you never hear from them again????  I have asked that Greg Stahl to boot my husband off of that forum, but he just won't do it.  Maybe he is in on the scam.  

I will have to keep this short, as I am writing this e-mail from a library.  You see, as soon as I heard that my husband was released from jail, I hightailed it out of here.  I am going on a trip to Brazil, with Antonio, a young, handsome ranch hand that resides not too far from here.  I expect to have a fine time and Antonio is going to teach me to tango.  Oh, if you could see his fine, young body, with his long, flowing, black hair, chiseled chin, firm muscles, and six pack abdomen, you would be as excited as I am.

You see, I have never gotten to travel much.  No, my husbands idea of travel is to go to garage sales and flea markets and look for old cast iron pots and pans.  He spends all his money on these stupid old pots and pans, and there is hardly any money for me and the kids.  I patch and darn all their clothes, and have even had to resort to making the kids moccasins from the deer he shoots and brings home.  All we ever eat is venison,  and vegetables that I grow and can myself.  Once a year he may bring home some skimpy fish.  But we sure have plenty of money for those stupid old pots!!!!!!!  And if that isn't bad enough, he spends most of his time lying in the back yard, next to a stupid tub with his 40 amp battery charger, sucking up juleps.  Every time I ask him what he is doing, he replies, "working."  Oh, he is just real happy when one of his "shipments" comes in from those deceased Newbies.  
He says the same thing when he goes out fly fishing.  Claims he is working to feed his family.  The worst of that situation is, he comes home, and goes on and on with the big lies, about how he almost caught the "big one,"  and then the big excuses about how they all got away.  If he brought home just 1/10th of the fish he claims he had on the line, we would all be fat and sassy, and could open a fish market.  

I have had a hard life with this man.  He never buys me anything, and there is never any money for me to buy myself some little thing.  Heck, the last time he gave me a gift was on our wedding night.  I knew I was in for a ride, when I opened the box and found a flannel nightgown that belonged to his Great Grandmother, from her homesteading days in Wyoming, and a pair of drawers that belonged to his Great Great Aunt Thelma.  He thought they were sexy.

Marty, have you ever seen the movie "Fried Green Tomatoes????  Do you remember when Idgie Threadgoode said to Big George "it's hog butchering time?"  Well, when I get back from Brazil, it's going to be hog butchering time.  I am hoping you could return some of those big, cast iron pots.....(keep the other stuff, fly fishing rods, and battery charger.)   'Cause we are not going to barbecue, we are going to make pots and pots of stew in his stupid, old, cast iron pots, and I am going to invite the whole State of Wyoming.....all 348 people.....to a BIG party. I will sit under the tree and roll my tongue around the top of my julep glass, while waiting for Antonio to hook up a couple 200 amp welders to my soon to be departed husband!!!!!  I will then sit and stir my stew, drink more juleps, all the while ogling Antonio's body.  Oh, Lord Have Mercy, I am getting all giddy just thinking about it.

I think you can understand how hard my life is and why I am going to Brazil with Antonio for a little while.  Well, I need to go now.  I have to stop at Walmart and buy me a red satin night gown.  Antonio said he likes red satin.  Heck, I think I may buy one of those paper Japanese fans, and a red rose to hold between my teeth.

I hope you are feeling better, and I hope your husband comes back from Mexico. Antonio said we could stop in Mexico and look for that 22 year old blonde and he would take care of her for you.  He is such a thoughtful fella.  But I told him I didn't know what she looked like.   I just should have sent you those shotguns, but my little Lyndsy hid them from me, as soon as the word got out her Daddy was getting out of jail.  

Sincerely,

Mrs. Baggsy

Steve_Stephens

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Re: R.I.P.
« Reply #9 on: July 16, 2003, 06:42:05 PM »
Marty,
Save your Mom's ashes.  She can still help clean that muffin pan.  Isn't lye made by leaching water through ashes?  Poor Mom, soory to hear of your loss.
Steve

moosejaw

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Re: R.I.P.
« Reply #10 on: July 16, 2003, 09:38:47 PM »
Oh Steve,

I hope you aren't one of Baggsy's cohorts, because if you are...... [smiley=anh1.gif]

Now you have to go back and read the WHOLE story.  Marty IS the mom........her son wrote in after he thought she was gone.  He just signed it "Marty's son."  I knew I should have spelled Marty with an i.....would have saved a lot of confusion.  Marsha is my legal "REAL" name.  


Marty

Steve_Stephens

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Re: R.I.P.
« Reply #11 on: July 17, 2003, 10:27:40 PM »
So Marty,
What's your husband think about being traded for Griswold or Wagner?  Shipping him is going to cost a lot more than the iron cookware you will be trading for.  Me, Baggsy's cohort?  Naw!

Steve

moosejaw

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Re: R.I.P.
« Reply #12 on: July 19, 2003, 02:18:26 AM »
Shipping?  Who said anything about shipping.  They have to come and get him, and all of his junk too.  Ooooooooo, I will have an empty house which I can fill with cast iron.  (Slap, slap, stop dreaming.)  I might be willing to meet them halfway, if they trade for a Griswold Oval Roaster.  What we won't sacrifice for our addiction.  I am cheap and easy [smiley=biglaugh.gif] [smiley=biglaugh.gif] [smiley=biglaugh.gif] [smiley=biglaugh.gif] [smiley=biglaugh.gif] [smiley=biglaugh.gif]